Late Update...

Hey folks.

Ok, so I sorta got side-tracked by my other post and completely forgot to post a wrap-up of last week. Woops. So let's just get to it.

The week was a pretty stressful one for me. While I can somewhat reasonably tolerate my job, there are parts of it that just drive me insane. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. Namely, it's the fact that my job has a HUGE learning curve. They say it takes about 3 years to get to a point where I know the basics of my job. Excuse me, the *basics* of my job? In 3 years? What kind of insanity is this? Granted, I understand that some aspects of payroll can be complicated, but still, this is a bit ridiculous. I will say that the management is somewhat flexible on this and can allow me some wiggle room, but you can tell that they don't want to and that really frustrates me. Yes, I understand it's so I can learn things more accurately, but sometimes I just don't do well with being patient.

So yes, a frustrating-ish week there since it seems like there's more complicated stuff coming my way lately. I'm sure it's just a random fluke in the system, but it still gets to me. Thankfully, it's just my own sense of frustration with my pace and not with the company itself. Hopefully I can overcome this and make next week a good -not to mention much less frustrating- week.

On the homefront, it was a good week. Most of it was spent relaxing and trying to figure out what was left to get for The Gentlemen before they start school next Tuesday. It still sorta flips me out that I help care for two school-age kids, especially when one of them is fast-approaching his 10th birthday and is now starting 4th grade. For a person who spent so much time saying "I'll never have kids," this is a rather... interesting turnaround.

In other news, The Mother has stated that her contract in Tacoma won't start until 1 October instead of 15 September. It sorta bums me out since I really want to show her around the area, but waiting gives me extra time to plan out some really fun stuff, so it's not that big a deal really.

And that's about it for the week. I'll be sure to kick out an update on time for Monday's weekend wrapup (although, in theory, I should do it on Tuesday...). Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday. Most of y'all have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Let's bring em all back home.

Have fun!

En Parenta Sadistica

Yes, my Latin is non-existent. At least it looks cool... ish, right? No.

So I'm sitting at work, waiting for the day to wind down so I can get a start on my nice holiday weekend. Now, I typically don't participate in many work conversations since I've been a bit anti-social as of late, but I somewhat felt compelled to get into this conversation. We were all talking about clothing trends from my co-worker and I's youths when I happened to remember a story from my youth. And it goes a little something like this...

When I was a younger man, break dancing was all the rage and the fashion that went along with it was absolutely required if you were to be thought of as "cool." The idea of being some hipster who went against common trends in an effort to be its own trend hadn't quite evolved yet. You pretty much had to follow the fashion trends of the day, or you risked being a social outcast that was only barely higher than being a leper.

One day, my mother and I happened to be shopping for me some new clothes. We were at Anthony's (a store long-since departed from the American retail landscape after it was acquired by Stage, another department store). We were in this store when, suddenly, I spotted them. Black, nylon, at least 26 zippers... parachute pants. Now, as mentioned before, break dancing was all the rage during my youth. And as anyone who was alive then can attest, parachute pants were the uniform of any elite breakdancer. So if you didn't have them, then you were just some idiot who was just fakin' it. Being the.. well, I was a horrendous break dancer (hi, I'm white.. rhythm? the hell is that?), but I for sure wanted these pants. Somehow these pants were my ticket to star in the oh-my-god-please-let-them-make-it sequel to "Breakin." This was well before "Breakin II" hit and brutally murdered 80's culture. So yes, if I had these pants, I would become a break dancing God.. or at least a minor prophett (why yes, I've always loved religion; thanks for asking). So with these pants in hand, it was time to present them to mom for a purchase.

If only digital/cellphone cameras had existed back then. The look of confusion on my mother's face was absolutely priceless. She was flabbergasted and had absolutely no clue what the hell her derranged child was holding up in front of her. It was a mishmash of nylon and zippers, all held together by a fine thread of shame. So once the "I don't think so" came from her lips, the war was started. I had to have these pants for several reasons. Besides, they were on sale, so it's a no brainer. It's also a no-go as mom began to put her foot down. I countered back something about me forming my own identity and parachute pants being an inextricable part of that identity. Of course, I hauled out the "lots of other kids at school wear them," which was greeted with the "if they were stabbing themselves in the heart, would you do it to?" retort. Of course, if it meant getting the damn pants, I'd have stabbed myself in the crotch AND the eye, but it didn't matter. Mom's foot was down and that was it. Dejected, I found the place where my coveted pants were born from and placed them back on the rack, vowing to return one day and liberate them from the evil confines of Anthony's Department Store.

So that's not even the cruel part. The real sadistic part comes years later. A different time. Breakdancing was dead. The era of the pre-goth/progresser had begun. Of course, I sure as hell wasn't dressing like that. So I went a vaguely trendy route. Polos? Nope. Lacoste? Not about Alligator. Calvin Klein? Wasn't he the dude taking pictures of dudes in their undies hugging or something? Screw that! No no my friends, I chose a much different route.

I went HyperColor.

Now, for those who might not understand this -and God bless you-. Let me explain. The Generra clothing company decided that fashion and technology needed to merge in some meaningful way. After much market research (at least 30 minutes' worth), they decided that HyperColor was their go-to for fashion. The idea behind HyperColor was to impregnate the cotton material with heat-sensitive ink which would make every piece of clothing unique to the wearer given their body heat and it's distribution. It's a good idea actually. The idea was presented as a "Metamorphic Color System" and was damn cool in anyone's opinion. WhenI saw this, I had to have it and mom said ok. Of course, I was thrilled. Since I found this garment in Houston, Texas, none of my school chums in Tulsa would have heard of it. So there I was, the bleeding edge of fashion. I would be the king of my school. They would form lines to receive me. They would be in awe of me and my HyperColor shirt.

Of course, since I was on a roll, I had to push the envelope a bit. That's when I came around the corner and saw... them. I'm not sure exactly what it was that convinced me that I needed to have a pair of shorts that changed colors like my shirt, but I had to have them. It never once ocurred to me that these shorts could have unintended consequences, such as letting people know just how flabby my ass really was. All I knew was that there were the coolest goddam shorts I'd seen in my life and I had to have them. And this is where I learn my mother is a sadist. mom said "sure" when I pushed for them. Do what? She said yes? So now I had the whole hypercolor outfit (including socks.. I'm not going to Google for a pic, just trust me that the socks were just as cool). So there I was. Back from Houston, dressed head-to-toe in color changing material. I was ready to walk in and claim my spot as the Grand Ruler of my school.

It was the beginning of an Oklahoma summer and I was a prodigious sweater. Needless to say, my clothes showed just how much perspiration could come pouring from my chubby body. So the outfit made one appearance before everything but the shirt was buried deep in my closet, right next to my secret copy of "Breakin" and my eternal dream of being the best breakdancer ever... in color-changing clothes.

Thanks Mom. :P

Just kidding. I love my Mom. She's the best. Pardon me, I'm gonna go eBay some damn parachute pants.

Fun Website!

Heya!

I think I sent out a tweet on this the other day, but am not certain and am too lazy to actually go look for it. Aaaaaaanywho.. for those who know me, you already know that I love playing with new websites. And since I've started getting feeds (and Tweets) from Mashable, I've been introduced to TONS of new sites. I tend to sign up and check it out and then move on. However, one has caught my eye recently. It's Sosauce.com

The site is built as a travel site, but it seeks to be a bit more than that. It encourages users to upload pictures, keep journals, track tips, track places visited, etc. Of course, this is all from a travel perspective, but it's pretty cool nonetheless. I'm still testing it out to get a good feel for it, but I think it might be a viable way to track travels for Eighth Sphere. As time goes on, I'll be fleshing out my profile there and adding more stuff to it.

There's another component to the site, the Sosauce Mesa. It's a 3d app that allows you to "build" an apartment and then "decorate" with pictures from your SoSauce account. I haven't messed with it that much, but it seems like an interesting add in. That said, I wouldn't go to the site just for this. I'd go for the travel aspect.

So feel free to give it a shot. I'm already there as, of course, gadkins1974 so feel free to add me as a friend! :)

While I've come far in my journey, I still have so very far left to go. I am happy, but I know that I can be happier still.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Today has to be the start of all tomorrows.

Finding The Future

I've actually come to the conclusion that I have no ability to choose my future. It's not one of those situations where I feel like any choice I make is wrong, it's more that I find I can make plans all too easily, but I hesitate on choosing the right one. Part of that hesitation is due to the fact that I don't want to make the "wrong" decision per my irrational fear that, somehow, one wrong decision will destroy my life as I know it. Like a lot of my other oddities, I'm not sure where or how I made this decision, but it was made and now it's time to work on unmaking that.

I say this because I need to be more of a man for The Librarian and The Gentlemen. They're wonderful people who deserve no less than the best in life. They deserve to have a good place to live, nice things to wear, nice things in general. They deserve to have a great life. As the "Man of the House" (and how odd it makes me feel to actually claim that role), it's my job to work with The Librarian to help ensure that basic needs are met and then that these goals are attained. It's a role that I've yet to fully embrace because of my fears of failure and such.

I've somehow managed to forget that failure is one of the greatest learning tools around. Failure immediately shows you what didn't work and success shows you what does. It's a tool that I don't embrace simply because of the stigma of "failure." I feel like it colors me and makes people judge me. Of course, the reality is that there will always be people to judge me. It's a natural part of the world and there's no way I can escape it. Hell, I do it myself. Of course, I'm working to not do this, but I have to admit that I actually do it. So, of course, others are going to do it. So why get bogged down in this detail?

And then there's the fact that I just don't feel stable enough to take risks. To a degree it's a good, protective instinct. However, it quickly reaches a point where it stops being a protective instinct and, instead, morphs into a neurotic behavior. Something else that needs to stop. The problem here is that stopping it is going to require more than just my own efforts and the emotional support of others. This is going to require me talking to my doctor and getting my mental health under control. I can realize my problems, but it isn't making them go away any faster since I just refuse to work on them. Taking pills will help level me off to a point where I can naturally take over and work past those problems. The pills certainly will not solve the problems and it's high time that I stop seeing pills as a cheap solution and look at them as a cheap tool to a greater end. To that end, I've scheduled a doctor appointment on September 4 to work with my doctor to create a comprehensive plan to deal with both my physical issues (diabetes, etc) and also my mental issues (anxiety, depression, the possibility that I actually am bi-polar). I always figured it would be some hard and labored decision, but the reality is that it isn't. I wanted it to seem labored because of some vainglorious ideology. And that's really all it was.

The last piece of the puzzle is this. This journal. This journal represents a gateway in which I can better learn how to communicate in so many ways. It also helps me learn to write again, something that helps me out so very much. So consider this to be the first step in my journey of 1,000 miles. And consider yourselves invited to come along with me. Oh what sites we'll see...

I might vote this year...

So it's time for more politics.

I have to admit that our current political system both infuriates and, yet, fascinates me. I always find it interesting on just how divded people become with respect to politics. Of course, I know that these deeply-held beliefs are a common flash-point, subject to a pretty fierce response from an individual when those beliefs are questioned and certainly when those beliefs are attacked. Sometimes the reactions are mild, in which the person chooses to repond and a debate begins. Of course, rections can go in the exact opposite direction and those reponses become heated exchanges, perhaps even violent altercations.

At least, so it was in the past.

It seems that today's era has seen a transition to a "kinder, gentler" means and that websites have now become the accepted medium for waging intense political debates. Coming to the surface has to be the site www.HillarryIs44.com. Initially I had been baffled by this site (partially because I'd been ignorant of the fact that the next president would, in fact, be the 44th) as it didn't seem clear to me what direction the site was going in. They certainly seemed to favor Senator Clinton's bid for the presidency, but the why didn't seem so clear. You couldn't tell if it were policy-related, or the fact that it was a woman who was running. Of course, I believe that the initial intent was somewhere in the middle. They were happy a woman was running, but it was more important to them that she had good policy ideas. So it seemed all well and good, but subtle cracks began to appear. Over time, it became clear that their feeling towards Senator Obama were less motivated by a division in ideologies and more motivated by the fact that he was, well, a he. Soon headlines on the site began to skew less towards "we disagree with Senator Obama because of..." and more towards "We hate Obama because he's a liar/cheat/evil evil man." To be honest, I found it rather surprising since I felt -at the time- that Senator Clinton had a pretty good campaign going. It seemed to be fairly well thought out and focused on issues instead of personal politics. Of course, this veered pretty quickly off-course with things devolving into an attempt to look as good as possible by any means necessary (I believe we're all familiar with the story of Hillary doding sniper fire on a tarmac somewhere).

However, that begs a question in today's ePolitics climate. Does the candidate influence the behavior of their followers? Or is it quite the other way around? Previously, it was rather simple. The politicos of the past influenced the behavior of their followers since media outlets' dissemination of information was on a slightly-delayed schedule. Even with the advent of telecommunications, it was difficult to stay "on top" of information. However, the advent of email and digital publishing options (websites, newsletters, social media, Twitter, SMS, the list goes on) made information available as it was happening and very unfiltered. Although TV debates of the past attempted the same result, it was still difficult because there was still some aspect of control in television (FCC rules and such). The Internet is the exact opposite. There is no filter and, thus, information comes out at a record pace and tends to outstrip "traditional" media outlets. Plus it gives more people a voice in what's happening. So, again, who decides the behaviors of politicians?

It is my belief that the process is very much even. Of course, politicans have long had a reputation of doing almost anythign for votes. So, of course, politicians do allow their constituents to influence how they act. So if the constituency acts a bit crazy, the politicians adjust their behavior accordingly. Of course, the flip is also fairly true in that the constituents want to be somewhat "closer" to their politician and will adjust their behaviors too. However, this risks a "feedback loop" in which each side tends to escalate a little more with each pass. Eventually, the two sides trade off and become the exact opposite of their origins. Sane candidates become lunatics and otherwise normal constituencies can become raging mobs. Of course, with higher stakes involved -such as a lame-duck presidency- comes much higher risks of otherwise warped behavior. Which rather nicely leads me back to the folks of HillaryIs44.com.

Upon the realization that Senator Obama had locked-up the Democratic Party nomination, the organizers of that site turned even more bitter and callous. Suddenly Obama was a "loser" and "stinky" (constantly taking an out-of-context quote by Michelle Obama regarding her motivating her husband to quit smoking) with occasional references to Senator Obama as "B.O." So, clearly, they had decided to voice their disagreement with the choice of the rest of the party. Although it's not totally bad since they've since started a new initiative, namely to write in Hillary's name. So that begins to raise another question; namely, is this good or bad?

Of course, it's easy to immediately dismiss it as bad. After all, these are people who are so beholden to a candidate, that they forget that they are part of a party. So they are loyal to the person, which takes traditional politics and turns it on its ear. It's no longer about parties, it's now about people. So it upsets a traditional balance. And therein is the part where it could be good. Politics has long been considered something lofty, something that existed across a gulf that separated politicians from "regular folks." So something like what the HillaryIs44.com folks have done actually takes that gap and effectively attempts to eliminate it. Of course, write-in candidacies are largely uneffective with respect to actual elections, but they have a much higher impact with respect to the mindset of both constituents and their politicians. So while it's easy to attempt to dismiss this group as a group of free-range whackos, the reality is radically different in that they may actually be making politicans return to their original roles as true voices of their people.

Weekend Wrapup

Hey hey hey!

Wow. What a weekend. A great mixture of relaxation and fun. So let's get into the update.

Friday was a good day. I was mostly happy to be off work and just able to finally relax. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. However, it's a job and all, so there you go. I honestly would prefer to do something more creative, like write. Of course, I need to write more and improve my writing and we've all read this from me before, so let's not go into overkill. K? Outstanding.

So Friday was spent at home, relaxing. The Librarian and I opted to order some pizza for us and The Gentlemen. They mostly spent the evening outside with their friends while The Librarian and I just watched TV. I've come to appreciate those moments more lately; the times we just sit and do nothing. It's still a good experience and it makes me very contented.

Saturday we absolutely HAD to get out of the apartment. So The Librarian suggested we prep some sandwiches and then head out to Mount Talbert for a hike. It was a smashing idea actually and I was up for it. Of course, The Gentlemen weren't too hot on the idea, especially Brother Z who kept pitching small fits on the hike. He did manage to find a large bug and poke it with a stick, which pretty much softened his craptacular mood from earlier. The hike was absolutely wonderful and the scenery was so nice. It felt good to just get out into nature. Eventually the sounds of the nearby road just melted away to a very dull background noise and I managed to just totally relax. Afterwards, we finished up our mini picnic at the trailhead (can you still call it a trailhead when there's a very nice working bathroom and water fountain with chilled water?) and went for some groceries. As with Friday, the remainder of Saturday was spent just relaxing and watching TV while The Gentlemen went out to play with their friends. For dinner we grilled some steaks and I make entirely too many mashed potatoes. Seriously. I must have thought I was cooking for an army instead of a family of 4 with 3 picky eater (myself and the The Gentlemen) and one light eater (which would be The Librarian). Suddenly the house just came to life when The Gentlemen's grandmother came over. Shortly thereafter The Librarian's sister and her friend dropped by. It was people everywhere. Not bad really, but I wish I'd have known so I could have done something aside from just mill around and clean up. Oh well though.

Sunday had a good start, but somewhat unfortunate as well as The Librarian felt sick. However, she rallied enough so that all of us could go to Oak's Park Amusement Park. Not a bad little place really. For my friends back home, it's a lot like Bell's after it was slightly reworked and well-before it fell into enough disrepair for Tulsa to want to offload it for a fucking parking lot (I'm still pissed). We had a lot of fun and The Gentlemen seemed up for most rides, altho it took a little cajoling to get Brother J onto a couple of rides. Brother Z, however, was pretty much up for anything and would scream his head off (in the good way) on almost everything we went on. Unfortunately the trip got cut short by some rain, but it was still great fun. The rest of the day was spent doing laundry and getting ready for the week.

I have to say that this weekend was great. It felt good to just be in a family moment of sorts. I think that all of us going out really solidified the bonds between us. Even The Librarian's mother seemed to feel fine, even when we casually suggested a move to San Francisco. She actually seemed somewhat positive-ish on the move, which is in stark contrast to her near-vehement denial of the possibility of us moving to Oklahoma.

I think this week will be a good one. I took another step forward in getting Endless Monkeys going and started more work on Deviant Advice and even added a new blog, The Pervy Geek, into the mix. I worry a bit that I'll go int too many directions, but I'm not overly worried at the moment. I think I can safely hold down two blog sites (I won't be doing much with the actual Endless Monkeys domain). Both sites have a lot of potential and I hope to achieve the full measure of it soon.

That's about it for now. I'll probably be updating with an additional post here in a few. Plus I plan on issuing another update on Friday. Until then, be good!

Thanks for the fun Oaks Park! Thanks for the crappy rain Oregon climate :p

An amusement park and rain? Yup, good ole' Oregon!

Yeehaw. First trip to Oaks Park. Nifty!

Weekly Update

Hey Folks!

Oh my god, it's Friday and thank god. It's been a week, lemme tell ya.

Of course, the week started off fairly well. Sunday The Gentlemen went off to camp at the beach with the grandmother, giving The Librarian and I some alone time, which is something we always like to have. Yes, we dig having the boys around, but it's nice to be "just us." Most of the time was spent with The Librarian playing some Sims 2 and us exploring the site Handipoints.com.

For those without kids, or who just don't know, Handipoints is a website that allows parents to set up chore lists and also dole out rewards for those chores. The site is absolutely massive in scope and includes a ton of regular and rather interesting "chore" ideas. There are the usual, like "clean your room," "clean the catbox," "make your beds" and so on. But there's also some rather interesting "chores" such as "be nice to your brother," "try a new food," "say please and thank you," and others. Of course, you also have the ability to create your own chores as well. It's a great concept since it's not just lists of things to do, but it's also a listing of good behavioral concepts.

And that's another facet of the site, behavior. The site assigns awards in two ways. You have gold stars, which convert to points (more on that in a moment) and also purple stars which convert into site rewards. Which is a great feature of the site. It allows children who are logged on to interract with each other. You can move your avatar around the site and meet other kids and talk to them. You can also make your avatar emote and act. Of course, the stars come in handy in case you want to buy new things (clothes, backgrounds, etc) for your avatar, as well as playing games on the site. It's a great concept. The flip side is the gold stars, which translate into cold, hard cash... well, digitally speaking of course. The conversion ratio is absolutely arbitrary and the site offers ideas for incentives. Kids can save points and earn laptops, toys, additional upgrades to the site, and other things. The site seems to default to around 25 cents a point or so. So we told The Gentlemen that they can work towards actual rewards. As an example, we told Brother J that he can have a Nintendol DS with a game if he earns 2600 points, which breaks out to something like 5 cents a point. Of course, they also can choose other rewards, even opting to cash their points out. It's a great site and offers a LOT of options to parents. So if you're a parent looking for a way to help kids learn some good behaviors, this might be a way to go.

Tuesday was spent at Portland's Street of Dreams expo. This reminds me a lot of the Brady Mansion tours back home, but these houses are worth considerably more... like in the million(s) of dollars. And these houses are absolutely opulent in every way. The house we liked most was called Cherith Brook and it was mind-blowing. 11,000+ square feet on 3 levels and virtually ever ammenity you can imagine. The house absoutely stuns and there's no way I could do it justice in print. Of course, we took very few pictures of this opulent abode, so I can't even share those with you. Needless to say, The Librarian and I were counting our pennies and realizing we're slightly short of the $2.1 million asking price. So if anyone's got a few million lying around and wouldn't mind parting with a couple... well, you know the drill. :)

Of course, our week alone was cut slightly short as horrible weather at the beach put a premature end on The Gentlemen's camping trip. Overall they did have fun, but I think it owes more to the fact that their grandmother bought them new bikes. I'm pretty sure it could have rained fire from the sky and they wouldn't have cared less. So yes, they came home wednesday evening instead of Thursday. We didn't mind at all however and were glad to have them back. Of course, the next night they ended up going to their Dad's, so we still had a bit of alone time and it was nice.

Thursday was spent with us just getting some ice cream and The Librarian trying out the Spore Creature Creator that we picked up. I first read about Spore years ago in Wired and, being a slight fan of Sid Myer, was eagerly anticipating it. Of course, the innumerous delays pretty much dulled my opinion of it, but The Librarian is pretty jazzed about it, so looks like we'll be dropping $50 when it comes out. Not that I mind since, if the creature creator is any indication, this game is going to be interesting. Of course, it appears that it will be an online game and The Librarian isn't terribly keen on that. However, I don't mind so much since I occasionally decide to drop $15 a month for a few months to renew my World of Warcraft addiction. So I'm sure another fee won't be that big a deal.

And that's about it so far. I'm about to start working on my Endless Monkeys projects, which mostly consist of Deviant Advice and a new blog idea I have, but won't talk about just yet. All you need to know is that, once it goes live, your reaction will mostly be "yes, this is what he should do." :)

BTW, social networking is starting to absolutely rule my world. Over the coming days, keep an eye on my blog for some network info, including my Profilactic account info, Ping.fm info, and numerous other things. Needless to say, my ability to live a somewhat public life has gotten much easier in the past 72 hours.

See y'all on Monday with a weekend wrapup. Be good!

I'm on the weekend! Time to update Deviant Advice and work on another blog project. It's a secret, so *shhhh*

Yay! EndlessMonkeys.com is active! Go go Gadget publishing company!

Hello World. Let's have an awesome friday!

Ok. I'm done for the night. Goodnight all!

Relocation...

You know... I'm still wondering if I'm in the right area.

Don't get me wrong. Portland is an awesome place and has some great people....

But it just seems like all the cool stuff I'm into (lately, blogging and some nerdiness) is happening all in California, specifically San Francisco. So what gives? Portland's a great place. Good people, good climate, nearness to Canada, what's not to love up here? I mean come on.. VooDoo Doughnuts? Pambiche? That weird dude who's painted silver and statues himself all over downtown? Portland's got a lot going for it.

But I've yet to uncover the plethora of "new media" (ok, "blogging") jobs like there are in San Francisco. Plus you get all sorts of craziness going on down there as well. Folsom Street Fair (hey, I AM kinky after all), various companies having their meetups there (ie: Mashable Monthly), and the conflux of many different kinds of foods. It's a great combination. Not to mention the climate tends to hit right around Koekje Mom's "comfort zone." So maybe we should move?

I don't know, really. I think about it from time-to-time. It'd be nice. New place for us to be. Sort-of a "new" start for us, even though I'm still in the "new start" phase of my move to Portland, what with the move being just about 2 years old. Am I just getting wanderlust? Am I just infatuated with this idea of moving to San Fran (I know, you all hate that name) and suddenly getting hired on at some great geeky blogging firm and happily working for hours a day on writing? What gives?

I guess we'll just wait and see.

Oh yah, y'all can expect a big honkin update tomorrow. :) I plan to write more. No, scratch that. I SWEAR I will write more. Heck, you might even want to read some of it too!

outstanding! got my ping.fm account.let the shenanigans begin!!!

Being "right"

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I need to be more honest with myself. Furthermore, I need to be honest with myself about myself. For as long as I can remember, I've always tried to veer towards a path of right thought and action. No, it wasn't in any sort of attempt to be Buddhist, but it did make sense. It was so basic. Try to find the right way to think and the right way to ask.

However, I found out that I was doing neither.

Recently, I've begun to examine what I construe to be "right" thought and action. I had made a simple -and highly erroneus- assumption that "right" was a constant. There was a baseline that would dictate the course of my path and I couldn't deviate from it. Of course, I am now realizing that "baseline" is very fluid and there's not any one particular way to go about things. What's "right" will change with a given situation. And therein was my failure. Instead of being this model of "righteousness," I began to realize that I was an unyeilding object in life. In as much as I considered myself to be this marvelously understanding and peaceful person, I realized that the exact opposite was the truth. And that began to bother me. Suddenly I began to realize that I was absolutely inflexible. If anything deviated from a prescribed path in my head, suddenly everything was at odds and I had to scramble in order to "adapt" (as was my favorite word to describe what I was doing, since "going apeshit" seemed a bit crude). One day I was able to take a step back from a situation, see my reaction, and realize I had become the exact opposite of what I was seeking and that horrible disturbed me.

So I had to think of something. I had to adapt. Not just to the situation, but to a whole new ideology. I had to rethink what I thought and figure out the weakest points in it all. That wasn't an easy process because I kept looking past the simplicity that was directly in front of me. I kept thinking "this has to be more complicated." I'm not sure why, but I did. Somehow I had absolutely convinced myself that absolute complexity was the only sign of progress. I'm still not sure where I picked up this convention. Somehow it just came into me and I latched on to it and utterly refused to let it go. I wasn't entirely certain of how I was going to overcome this. But then, the water came.

So many viewpoints on the nature of a peaceful life tended to revolve around water. Or so I noticed. It seemed like the Buddhists used the idea of water on a near-constant basis to describe the "flow" of life (see?). Or the "flow" of chi (pattern here, notice it?). Since Buddhism is something like a few thousand years old, I figured that there just might be something to this after all. So, in college (and where else would this happen?) I began to look into philosophies. Trying to understand the underlying values and concepts of a certain way of thought. I began to notice that water was universal in most philosophies. Terms like "flow" popped up often. Or "tide" or the plural "tides." Water is often regarded with respect to ceremonies of cleansing (washing in general, baptisms, cleaning before entering mosque, etc). Of course, there was also science, what with water being a universal solvent (it might take time, but it breaks down everything). So I began to revisit what I felt was my idea of "right" anything. And then it all made total sense.

Water flows and so must I. When water needs to be loose, it is. It flows around an object, but it also works to reduce that object. When an object can't be passed, water becomes rigid, it forces against the object that interrupts its flow. Once the flow is achieved, water goes back to being fluid. Of course, I needed to be the same. I needed to learn how to be flexible and that meant learning that "right" tends to change.

And that leads me to this blog.

I've always loved to write. I spent tons of time in high school writing for the school paper. I've blogged elsewhere before, but they always had this half-hearted sensibility to them. It was just me noodling around on a keyboard. Granted, it was nice... but it felt lacking; it felt like I was taking things serious enough. It didn't matter at first, but there was still this undercurrent that said I should do it more seriously. Of course, in my idea of what was "right," I never considered myself a writer. I can't exactly explain why I felt this way, but I did feel this way. So eventually I meet someone who actually goes out of their way to compliment me on my writing and to talk about how much she enjoys reading what I put out there. Funny enough, given that I tend to assign nicknames to people important to me, hers was The Librarian, but for an entirely unrelated (yet humorous) reason. Suddenly I began to realize that the "right" thing at this point was to start taking this seriously. To actually go "you know, maybe I can give this a go and actually get paid for it." At the very least, it will be an opportunity for me to live up to what many have said is my potential.

And no matter who you are, that's alright. :)

Welcome aboard. Let's see what's out there...