Finding The Future

I've actually come to the conclusion that I have no ability to choose my future. It's not one of those situations where I feel like any choice I make is wrong, it's more that I find I can make plans all too easily, but I hesitate on choosing the right one. Part of that hesitation is due to the fact that I don't want to make the "wrong" decision per my irrational fear that, somehow, one wrong decision will destroy my life as I know it. Like a lot of my other oddities, I'm not sure where or how I made this decision, but it was made and now it's time to work on unmaking that.

I say this because I need to be more of a man for The Librarian and The Gentlemen. They're wonderful people who deserve no less than the best in life. They deserve to have a good place to live, nice things to wear, nice things in general. They deserve to have a great life. As the "Man of the House" (and how odd it makes me feel to actually claim that role), it's my job to work with The Librarian to help ensure that basic needs are met and then that these goals are attained. It's a role that I've yet to fully embrace because of my fears of failure and such.

I've somehow managed to forget that failure is one of the greatest learning tools around. Failure immediately shows you what didn't work and success shows you what does. It's a tool that I don't embrace simply because of the stigma of "failure." I feel like it colors me and makes people judge me. Of course, the reality is that there will always be people to judge me. It's a natural part of the world and there's no way I can escape it. Hell, I do it myself. Of course, I'm working to not do this, but I have to admit that I actually do it. So, of course, others are going to do it. So why get bogged down in this detail?

And then there's the fact that I just don't feel stable enough to take risks. To a degree it's a good, protective instinct. However, it quickly reaches a point where it stops being a protective instinct and, instead, morphs into a neurotic behavior. Something else that needs to stop. The problem here is that stopping it is going to require more than just my own efforts and the emotional support of others. This is going to require me talking to my doctor and getting my mental health under control. I can realize my problems, but it isn't making them go away any faster since I just refuse to work on them. Taking pills will help level me off to a point where I can naturally take over and work past those problems. The pills certainly will not solve the problems and it's high time that I stop seeing pills as a cheap solution and look at them as a cheap tool to a greater end. To that end, I've scheduled a doctor appointment on September 4 to work with my doctor to create a comprehensive plan to deal with both my physical issues (diabetes, etc) and also my mental issues (anxiety, depression, the possibility that I actually am bi-polar). I always figured it would be some hard and labored decision, but the reality is that it isn't. I wanted it to seem labored because of some vainglorious ideology. And that's really all it was.

The last piece of the puzzle is this. This journal. This journal represents a gateway in which I can better learn how to communicate in so many ways. It also helps me learn to write again, something that helps me out so very much. So consider this to be the first step in my journey of 1,000 miles. And consider yourselves invited to come along with me. Oh what sites we'll see...