Beyond The Distance of Memory...

I want to be remembered.

I want people to look back at my presence in their life and feel a small twinge of missing me. I want to move about life with the idea that people miss me and feel better for having had me as part of their life.

I know this is a sharp contrast to all of my other musings of wanting to be selfless and humble, but there are times that this gives way to a desire to wonder what people in my past think of me. If only I had a way to briefly make contact and see; to ask them how they feel when my memory comes across, if it comes across at all. I wonder if I elicit emotions anymore. I wonder if they sit up in the quiet of night, within the stir of vastness and make a conscious decision to think about me.

I think about them. All of them. My friends, my family, my loves, my losses. All of them wandering quietly through the forest of my memory. I wonder after their lives. Of course, I wish nothing but the best for them, but I still can't help but wonder.

It also comes down to wondering just how much good I do in this world. Who do I really help? Can I say, once my time is done, that I've truly done what I could for those around me? Or have I reached a point where I gave Just Enough? And, honestly, what's "enough" anyways? How do I quantify any of this? How can I say "this is a quantity and this quantity is what I'm supposed to reach for and achieve?" Some days I have real trouble with that.

And it isn't because I want find a stopping point, but I'd rather just know if I am doing good. Yes, virtue should be its own reward, but is it asking too much that I be able to measure what I do against some other standard? This is human nature, no? We want to know that what we do is done for the better and that we are going in a good and proper direction. It's the assurance that we all need. But then, what of assurances that we give? If I want to be remembered in life and if I want to know how good I do in life, why do I give out so little? It's as though I horde it, stopping only to give out the tiniest bits of assurances and comforts in life. Well, at certain points at least. It's reactionary. Someone has a bad day and I go to attempt to "fix" it with some words of wisdom and them move along from the moment. But there's more, so much more that I could do.

To Crystal. My Librarian. I love you so much and consider your presence in my life to be almost otherworldly. There's so much I've learned about myself through you and the journey continues to be so very interesting. There are times that I get frustrated because I don't understand what goes on around me, but it's good to know that we can somehow gets past it all. Despite the few bumps we've had, I couldn't be happier with Us. I love you.

The The Gentlemen. You two constantly confuse, aggravate, and bedevil me and it's a fascinating experience. When you two come to me for answers on worldly topics, it still just baffles me and blows me away. When your mother points out instances where you've wanted to hang out with me, or have done things in the same -sometimes strange- way that I do things, it amazes me. I never really considered myself "role model" material, but it would appear that I'm doing that with you two. Hopefully I can keep it going and continue to earn your respect and adulations.

For my Sister. For all the random-ass times I've just called you up with questions and judgement calls, you've been amazingly patient. Of course, you also call me up with similar randomness and that seems to be the key to it all. Somehow the oddities of our lives balances everything out. Some of our conversations have been absolutely amazing and others have been downright disturbing. Through it all, you've remained a stationary figure in life and that means more to me than I can ever express.

And my Brother. Where would I be without your random messages of various naked women? Of course, there's also the nights of legendary debauchery that will probably never be equaled in either of our separate lives and can only be topped when we get together. Meeting you was the start of an amazingly twisted adventure that gives me great stories to tell and will eventually give me great memories to reflect on as I begin my gradual slide into senility. Of course, what makes it better is that you'll probably be right there with me, so we'll always be in competition to see who can tell the stories the best.

The West Coast. Who else but you could have started me off on this crazy journey that eventually landed me in Oregon. While I consider my life back in Oklahoma to be a pretty good one, I've actually managed to find a great life here and a lot of that is due to you and I greatly appreciate it. You're a true friend and deserve more than this world can ever give to you. Your calm nature and ease of life constantly fascinate me. Not to mention the fact that we can make jokes about damn near anything, even if it only makes sense to us... which is most of the time.

My Mother. You are always my influence in life. Almost everything I do tends to get put through the Mommy Filter. While I haven't been the best son at times and you haven't been the best mom, we've always managed to make everything work and be there for each other right when the need was greatest. I will never be able to thank you for all that you've done for me and given to me, but I'm damn sure going to try. Part of why I've decided to give having a child with Crystal a go is partially because of you. Throughout all of my insistence that I wouldn't make a good parental figure, you've quietly made statements to the contrary. Your support is amazing and a lot of who and what I am today is because of the sacrifices that you have made in your own life. I can only hope to aspire to be like you. I love you and I can't wait for you to come to Tacoma.

There are countless others I could talk to here. To express what each has taught me, or to even vilify some of you. However, all of you have had a profound impact in my life and, for better or worse, I'm happy that you all were there, even if only briefly. I hope your lives have taken the directions that my life has taken and it is my sincere hope that you all manage to find the happiness and peace that now attempts to take root in my life.

"tear drop on the fire
fearless on my breath"